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(no subject)
Mar. 14th, 2023 07:03 pmI published my parental figure on YouTube. She’s barely computer literate and I’m probably going to keep the links unlisted to the public, but I’m putting her on anonymous blast. If you watch the videos, the background is that she’s angry at me for asking her not to yell at me for sending her a text, and telling her that saying “Spit it out!” when I’m in the middle of trying to type an answer just hurts my feelings and makes me go slower (because I get nervous and freeze).
I think this is partly why I’m so isolated from other people….being treated like this all the time by your own mother who you had a “best friends” relationship with as a kid makes you feel like no one else wants anything to do with you, like you’re tainted and dirty. It makes you not reach out. Like you’re the poor kid coming to school with dirty clothes and hair and cavities and no lunch money.
So because I set boundaries nicely, and told her those things weren’t okay, and her philosophy is that her parents did it to her so I should be grateful for it, and therefore my objections actually make me the abuser here. (In her mind.) She’s literally screaming at me that I’m a little bitch and a snake, among many horrible things. She even twists my arm and hurts my shoulder, but me saying “that hurt my feelings when you said that” equals me abusing my mother.
I think this is partly why I’m so isolated from other people….being treated like this all the time by your own mother who you had a “best friends” relationship with as a kid makes you feel like no one else wants anything to do with you, like you’re tainted and dirty. It makes you not reach out. Like you’re the poor kid coming to school with dirty clothes and hair and cavities and no lunch money.
(no subject)
Mar. 14th, 2023 05:41 pmThese two videos are representative of what my parent refers to as a “tiff” or a “fight” and they happen regularly.
It doesn’t make any difference if I speak reasonably and fairly. Her philosophy at this point in time is that since her parents treated and spoke to her a certain way and expected her not to cry or hesitate in getting coherent words out, I should be grateful to be treated the same way and that the abusive behavior her parents inflicted onto her is simply a rite of passage that I should be grateful for because it’ll toughen my whiny ass up and show me how to be thankful for the good things that come along.
It doesn’t work that way. I have selective mutism. When I am pressured, stressed or frightened, I lose my ability to put my thoughts together in a cohesive order. Most of the time I freeze up and stutter, or can’t speak at all. My parent’s response is to bark at me, intimidate me and say things like “Spit it out!!” because they’re angry that I’m not answering fast enough. I’ve explained this condition to them several times now and they persist in trying to bully me into answers I can’t provide due to intimidation, until I hide my face in my hands and/or start crying. Once the crying starts, they claim I’VE triggered THEM with MY CRIES, and they have an excuse to bully me with screams, terrorizing behaviors, and mocking, sneering name calling. Every assault they can dream up to torment me the way kids tortured me in elementary school.
I would rather be beaten bloody, have my jaw broken, my legs fractured and both eyes blackened than go through this as often as I do. It’s very hard to contemplate no contact with the only family you’ve had (other than a grandmother who’s dead) for your entire life. I’m also disabled by mul chronic illnesses (which originated from the stress of coping with this exact kind of trauma). It kills me that none of my parent’s compatriots understand that this is not a mommy daughter conflict situation where both parties participate equally. No. One of them is a punching bag and the other boxes with it. I am not the boxer. If I ever get hold of the gloves, I’ll not be fucking around….I will deliver the death blow. I have had ENOUGH and that rotten spoiled infant needs to drown in her own liquid feces. I’m exhausted and I deserve some fucking peace.
youtu.be/z6GMpJp3xYw
Never gift ANYONE anything brand new that you can sell during hard financial times, even a friend, because they might go off and abandon you like the grifter they are. Meanwhile they have rich friends who pay for their extras and plenty of off book jobs to increase their income. It’s FUN to take advantage of the poor and disabled, even if you fall into that category yourself! At least, it is for Jenna….
Ok Jenna. Go ahead and block me because I said “hey I’m gonna need my coat back”. That’s literally all I said. You called me shitty, then blocked me. But we know the truth, don’t we?? You also used up a LOT of my medical weed that weekend, which I allowed because I thought we were going to a dispensary the next day. But you bailed, leaving me scrambling and in pain. It’s not my fault Jimi (shitty boyfriend who pretended to be a complete prince for a month, but was actually a con artist) dropped his nice guy mask around you. If he even did…he’s not my child and you could have let me know. I’d have read him the riot act and left him behind to go walk around Salem. He wasn’t letting me get more than 2-4 hours of sleep each night, and I got more wrecked and mentally confused by the day. The party venue changed, you didn’t want a mass of people at your parents’ enormous house, that’s understandable. But.I guess you VEHEMENTLY didn’t want Jimi there at all, because you had zero qualms putting the burden of hosting me onto C and K, which wasn’t okay for them at all because THEY HAVE JOBS. You on the other hand just benefit from their big paychecks and beautiful apartment, where you spend all your fucking time. Eating their food, getting them to pay for your medical weed license. Someone offers you a glass of milk, you decide to take the entire dairy case home like a little leech. How nice to have so many things paid for by kind people who don’t abuse you and gaslight you! Look at your good fortune! Plus all those little jobs you take that increase your income? I can’t do any of those. I’m in so much physical pain that the shit they give recovering opiate addicts doesn’t completely take it away. I don’t have ways to increase my income, other than sell clothes I’ve never worn. The coat would sell for $100 on Poshmark, eBay or even in the Holy Clothing sell and swap page. You dropped me like a bag of hot flaming dogshit RIGHT after I gave you the coat. $100 of income, wasted on a grabby ungrateful little girl in a 40-something body. You just take and take and take. You don’t even look at where it’s coming from. I cared about you and wanted you to have something nice! My mistake. I’ll never gift like that again.
It’s humorous to me that you would call me shitty and then revert to a block, like it even matters. For almost 2 years you were GREAT at ignoring me without hitting “block”, now you’re being held the slightest bit accountable and you have to run away from a non-aggressive message with the Block button. GROW UP. You’ll fuck a monogamously involved guy in a hotel over and over, and the smidge of guilt you feel over his non-ethical cheating and his clueless girlfriend didn’t stop you. As long as you got your kicks it was all good for J. The fact that you called me “shitty” and BLOCKED me over an 8 word message about a COAT that I didn’t follow up on (because you told me I’d have to come across the state and up to Danvers to fetch it, which you know I can’t do) shows that you’re either extremely childish, or you know that you did something fucked up and wrong. I’d never been anything other than supportive and generous to you, even though you’re capable of increasing your earnings under the table and I am not. This is the only time I’ve ever brought up anything negative and I have good reason. But heyyyy, yooouuu do YOU!! That’s what you’ve probably always done. I’m surprised you have friends left.
You took a $100 garment off my hands and proceeded to abandon me. You left me unread for almost 2 years, and I’m the shitty one? I think you have that mixed up.
You owe me $100, stranger. I’m sick of taking shit from people like you. You’re a grifter who grifts from people who are equally poor. I know I’ll never get amends from you. But I will put you on blast, so enjoy that.
PS. You have poor rhythm and your voice is overrated. Sorry I’m an objectively better musician than you are, a lot of people have disliked me for showing them up regardless of age. Bummer for you…
Ok Jenna. Go ahead and block me because I said “hey I’m gonna need my coat back”. That’s literally all I said. You called me shitty, then blocked me. But we know the truth, don’t we?? You also used up a LOT of my medical weed that weekend, which I allowed because I thought we were going to a dispensary the next day. But you bailed, leaving me scrambling and in pain. It’s not my fault Jimi (shitty boyfriend who pretended to be a complete prince for a month, but was actually a con artist) dropped his nice guy mask around you. If he even did…he’s not my child and you could have let me know. I’d have read him the riot act and left him behind to go walk around Salem. He wasn’t letting me get more than 2-4 hours of sleep each night, and I got more wrecked and mentally confused by the day. The party venue changed, you didn’t want a mass of people at your parents’ enormous house, that’s understandable. But.I guess you VEHEMENTLY didn’t want Jimi there at all, because you had zero qualms putting the burden of hosting me onto C and K, which wasn’t okay for them at all because THEY HAVE JOBS. You on the other hand just benefit from their big paychecks and beautiful apartment, where you spend all your fucking time. Eating their food, getting them to pay for your medical weed license. Someone offers you a glass of milk, you decide to take the entire dairy case home like a little leech. How nice to have so many things paid for by kind people who don’t abuse you and gaslight you! Look at your good fortune! Plus all those little jobs you take that increase your income? I can’t do any of those. I’m in so much physical pain that the shit they give recovering opiate addicts doesn’t completely take it away. I don’t have ways to increase my income, other than sell clothes I’ve never worn. The coat would sell for $100 on Poshmark, eBay or even in the Holy Clothing sell and swap page. You dropped me like a bag of hot flaming dogshit RIGHT after I gave you the coat. $100 of income, wasted on a grabby ungrateful little girl in a 40-something body. You just take and take and take. You don’t even look at where it’s coming from. I cared about you and wanted you to have something nice! My mistake. I’ll never gift like that again.
It’s humorous to me that you would call me shitty and then revert to a block, like it even matters. For almost 2 years you were GREAT at ignoring me without hitting “block”, now you’re being held the slightest bit accountable and you have to run away from a non-aggressive message with the Block button. GROW UP. You’ll fuck a monogamously involved guy in a hotel over and over, and the smidge of guilt you feel over his non-ethical cheating and his clueless girlfriend didn’t stop you. As long as you got your kicks it was all good for J. The fact that you called me “shitty” and BLOCKED me over an 8 word message about a COAT that I didn’t follow up on (because you told me I’d have to come across the state and up to Danvers to fetch it, which you know I can’t do) shows that you’re either extremely childish, or you know that you did something fucked up and wrong. I’d never been anything other than supportive and generous to you, even though you’re capable of increasing your earnings under the table and I am not. This is the only time I’ve ever brought up anything negative and I have good reason. But heyyyy, yooouuu do YOU!! That’s what you’ve probably always done. I’m surprised you have friends left.
You took a $100 garment off my hands and proceeded to abandon me. You left me unread for almost 2 years, and I’m the shitty one? I think you have that mixed up.
You owe me $100, stranger. I’m sick of taking shit from people like you. You’re a grifter who grifts from people who are equally poor. I know I’ll never get amends from you. But I will put you on blast, so enjoy that.
PS. You have poor rhythm and your voice is overrated. Sorry I’m an objectively better musician than you are, a lot of people have disliked me for showing them up regardless of age. Bummer for you…
Goodbye, Myrtle...
Aug. 21st, 2021 07:43 pmR.I.P. Mildred Shmulsky AKA Myrtle. My maternal grandmother passed August 13, 2021.
There's so much more to this story but I'm utterly used up and exhausted and can't keep repeating myself....
There is a hole in the world now....
There's so much more to this story but I'm utterly used up and exhausted and can't keep repeating myself....
There is a hole in the world now....
How am I disabled, exactly?
Jul. 7th, 2017 08:19 pmI'm not an excessively private person. So here I am, writing to the entire world about exactly what keeps me from functioning normally....sure, that seems smart.
Who knows, maybe someone somewhere can benefit.
It is a rainy Friday night. Rain in the northeast is my Kryptonite; something about the barometric pressure change does not work well for me. My shoulder and neck have been in the same dull muscular ache for 5 weeks.
Sometimes the spasms are sharp, or they cover huge parts of my body. I get something that's like dull sciatica.
Then there's the fatigue. I was supposed to be at my friend T's gallery opening a couple hours ago, and I should be headed to a benefit dance party in an hour. But I can hardly keep my eyes open; with the rain and darkening skies, I don't trust myself behind the wheel. Something's up with my adrenal glands, I don't make enough cortisol, and I sleep really poorly. I go for weeks with my eyelids at half-mast.
I'd rather not describe the digestive issues in detail, but I will say I take a lot of quick-dissolve Zofran during bad periods for nausea. And that's definitely not my only anti-nausea remedy. I also experience complete loss of appetite for days at a time.
Diagnoses: Hashimoto's thyroiditis, post-late-Lyme disease (I think it's in remission), moderate lead poisoning (has been mostly treated), leaky gut, rheumatoid arthritis (dormant)...I think that's all. I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but I suspect the above conditions can explain those symptoms.
I have issues with depression. I don't know if they're the result of something biological, or 37 years of slow drag and bad luck. It becomes hard to tell. I don't believe there's much (if any) separation between the mind and body.
I'm not capable of the 40 hour a week grind, nor am I totally incapable of work.
That's actually REALLY awkward!!
As for tonight, I got as far as the makeup, then crashed.
Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.
Who knows, maybe someone somewhere can benefit.
It is a rainy Friday night. Rain in the northeast is my Kryptonite; something about the barometric pressure change does not work well for me. My shoulder and neck have been in the same dull muscular ache for 5 weeks.
Sometimes the spasms are sharp, or they cover huge parts of my body. I get something that's like dull sciatica.
Then there's the fatigue. I was supposed to be at my friend T's gallery opening a couple hours ago, and I should be headed to a benefit dance party in an hour. But I can hardly keep my eyes open; with the rain and darkening skies, I don't trust myself behind the wheel. Something's up with my adrenal glands, I don't make enough cortisol, and I sleep really poorly. I go for weeks with my eyelids at half-mast.
I'd rather not describe the digestive issues in detail, but I will say I take a lot of quick-dissolve Zofran during bad periods for nausea. And that's definitely not my only anti-nausea remedy. I also experience complete loss of appetite for days at a time.
Diagnoses: Hashimoto's thyroiditis, post-late-Lyme disease (I think it's in remission), moderate lead poisoning (has been mostly treated), leaky gut, rheumatoid arthritis (dormant)...I think that's all. I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but I suspect the above conditions can explain those symptoms.
I have issues with depression. I don't know if they're the result of something biological, or 37 years of slow drag and bad luck. It becomes hard to tell. I don't believe there's much (if any) separation between the mind and body.
I'm not capable of the 40 hour a week grind, nor am I totally incapable of work.
That's actually REALLY awkward!!
As for tonight, I got as far as the makeup, then crashed.
Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.
Let me start by saying: I truly like children. I babysat for years; after spending many summers at an local day camp for low-income girls, I became a counselor-in-training for a few summers, and was a paid camp counselor for three summers. I chose to do this instead of working in retail, food service or other.
I have a dorky, goofball personality. I am full of imagination and am skilled at many arts and crafts. I treat children like they're real people, because they are. I try my best to nurture their hopes and dreams, not squash them.
Did I mention I'm a dork?
I also love to play dress up and will gladly play along with whatever games a child requests.
I am not childfree because I don't love or understand children.
I am childfree because I fully understand what it takes to be responsible for even one child.
I know I do not have the personal resources to undertake a full parenting role.
Resources I lack:
-Consistent, stable physical health
-Enough flexibility to let me skip self-care routines to take care of my child. I can do this periodically when taking care of someone else's child, but not a child who belongs to me.
-A support system to take on child care when I am unable to do it myself.
-Adequate income. I would be heartbroken if I could not provide my kid with a full array of options: art classes, martial arts training, music lessons, educational trips. And I know I'm not able to.
-The ability to forego sleep. It's already such a challenge for me that I can't afford additional interruptions.
There's much more to that story, but the bottom line is, making myself responsible for a small human 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year would be an incredibly daft decision for myself and the child.
That said:
I have met some truly amazing children in my years, full of spark, joy, depth and wisdom beyond their years. I genuinely enjoy being around them. As I've sauntered into my late 30's, I've even gotten comfortable with setting boundaries and saying "No". Imagine that. ;)
So where does that leave me? Do I have a giant hole in my life where a child should be? I don't believe so.
Instead, I have space in my life, and a great potential to be there for the children of others. As the child of a single mother myself, I can say for certain that things always felt more stable and happy when there were grounded, caring adults in our life. Sometimes, those adults were able to be present -because- they themselves were not busy with children of their own. We all got something valuable out of being present for each other.
If it takes a village, I wager I'm a good villager to have around. :)
And if I ever change my mind? I can adopt!!
I have a dorky, goofball personality. I am full of imagination and am skilled at many arts and crafts. I treat children like they're real people, because they are. I try my best to nurture their hopes and dreams, not squash them.
Did I mention I'm a dork?
I also love to play dress up and will gladly play along with whatever games a child requests.
I am not childfree because I don't love or understand children.
I am childfree because I fully understand what it takes to be responsible for even one child.
I know I do not have the personal resources to undertake a full parenting role.
Resources I lack:
-Consistent, stable physical health
-Enough flexibility to let me skip self-care routines to take care of my child. I can do this periodically when taking care of someone else's child, but not a child who belongs to me.
-A support system to take on child care when I am unable to do it myself.
-Adequate income. I would be heartbroken if I could not provide my kid with a full array of options: art classes, martial arts training, music lessons, educational trips. And I know I'm not able to.
-The ability to forego sleep. It's already such a challenge for me that I can't afford additional interruptions.
There's much more to that story, but the bottom line is, making myself responsible for a small human 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year would be an incredibly daft decision for myself and the child.
That said:
I have met some truly amazing children in my years, full of spark, joy, depth and wisdom beyond their years. I genuinely enjoy being around them. As I've sauntered into my late 30's, I've even gotten comfortable with setting boundaries and saying "No". Imagine that. ;)
So where does that leave me? Do I have a giant hole in my life where a child should be? I don't believe so.
Instead, I have space in my life, and a great potential to be there for the children of others. As the child of a single mother myself, I can say for certain that things always felt more stable and happy when there were grounded, caring adults in our life. Sometimes, those adults were able to be present -because- they themselves were not busy with children of their own. We all got something valuable out of being present for each other.
If it takes a village, I wager I'm a good villager to have around. :)
And if I ever change my mind? I can adopt!!
My kitty hath returned!
Feb. 26th, 2014 12:17 amI'm so so so happy to have Petra back. She's such a wonderful presence. I managed to transport her without the cat carrier, as Mom took the damned thing to her house after I left for Ireland (rather than leaving it with my catsitter). Fortunately, it was better for Petra to roam freely inside the car. At first she sat on the headrest, looking around frantically and shrieking as if she were being eaten alive. Finally she started to settle, making herself comfortable on the front seat. I was able to pet her and scritch her ears, and she got quiet and peaceful---after about 15 minutes, I heard occasional scratchy conversational meows and got some long soulful looks.
Petra is an incredibly beautiful "mini panther", a sleek black muscled cat with avocado-green eyes. I've missed her so much...
Welcome home, Miss Kitty.
Petra is an incredibly beautiful "mini panther", a sleek black muscled cat with avocado-green eyes. I've missed her so much...
Welcome home, Miss Kitty.
Perfect sushi at home.
Feb. 19th, 2014 12:12 amWhen you're terribly stressed and upset, and you haven't eaten in awhile, make your favorite food. Tonight, I have chosen to end my night with veggie sushi rolls. First, I made up some perfect sushi rice.
Perfect sushi rice for two maki rolls:
Wash 2/3 cup real sushi rice 3 times with water. Add 1 cup water and bring to a boil. Lower heat, simmer 10 minutes, turn heat off and let sit for 10 minutes.
Rice seasoning: Mix 2 tablespoons rice vinegar with 1 tablespoon honey (or sugar) and a scant tsp salt, microwave 30 seconds and stir until salt and honey dissolve.
To mix in the sweet-salty vinegar, cut it in with a rice paddle or spatula--this will keep the rice from getting too sticky.
As it cooled, I cut carrots and cucumber into matchsticks and blanched two cups of baby spinach for a crunchy juicy Popeye roll. Quick-cooked baby spinach is buttery and gorgeous stuff, and I could eat a very large bowl of it. I cut up half an avocado, for an overstuffed roll. These are big fat thick rolls, not like the tiny maki a sushi chef would serve, but I love them. I sprinkled toasted sesame seeds on each roll as I assembled it. Making the rolls was calming and meditative; the spinach-carrot-cucumber roll is particularly scrumptious. My dipping sauce contains tamari (fermented soy sauce), water (tamari is too rich on its own), wasabi powder, honey and powdered ginger.
Ahhhhhh. Beautiful. I'd intended to make a smoked salmon-cucumber roll, but I ran out of rice!
I feel like I took control of an otherwise terrible night.
Perfect sushi rice for two maki rolls:
Wash 2/3 cup real sushi rice 3 times with water. Add 1 cup water and bring to a boil. Lower heat, simmer 10 minutes, turn heat off and let sit for 10 minutes.
Rice seasoning: Mix 2 tablespoons rice vinegar with 1 tablespoon honey (or sugar) and a scant tsp salt, microwave 30 seconds and stir until salt and honey dissolve.
To mix in the sweet-salty vinegar, cut it in with a rice paddle or spatula--this will keep the rice from getting too sticky.
As it cooled, I cut carrots and cucumber into matchsticks and blanched two cups of baby spinach for a crunchy juicy Popeye roll. Quick-cooked baby spinach is buttery and gorgeous stuff, and I could eat a very large bowl of it. I cut up half an avocado, for an overstuffed roll. These are big fat thick rolls, not like the tiny maki a sushi chef would serve, but I love them. I sprinkled toasted sesame seeds on each roll as I assembled it. Making the rolls was calming and meditative; the spinach-carrot-cucumber roll is particularly scrumptious. My dipping sauce contains tamari (fermented soy sauce), water (tamari is too rich on its own), wasabi powder, honey and powdered ginger.
Ahhhhhh. Beautiful. I'd intended to make a smoked salmon-cucumber roll, but I ran out of rice!
I feel like I took control of an otherwise terrible night.
(no subject)
Jun. 18th, 2012 02:55 pmIf I compare my life to the lives of people I know, I'll suffocate myself with a plastic bag. It's one day after another of nothingness. Just me, alone, no family except a mom who's mentally a teenager, dealing the best I can with physical pain and fatigue, taking a million meds and supplements. I don't really believe I'm ever going to get any better.
I laugh at other people's complaints.
Please. They have great lives.
I've taken up art again, hoping the work will provide me some channel into an actual life. I don't have much confidence overall, but I know my work is good.
It's a bad dream. I just need to wake up. Somebody stab me with a pin. Please?
I laugh at other people's complaints.
Please. They have great lives.
I've taken up art again, hoping the work will provide me some channel into an actual life. I don't have much confidence overall, but I know my work is good.
It's a bad dream. I just need to wake up. Somebody stab me with a pin. Please?
A shallow beauty post! Yay!
Jun. 3rd, 2012 02:16 pmI dyed my hair a fiery red.
First I gave myself chunky highlights at home, which would have looked nice, if they hadn't had a yellowy "caramel" cast. Yellow looks awful on me. If my hair is blonde, it has to be ashy.
So, I went over my highlighted head with "intense light auburn", and got beautiful Jello-red thick chunks, and the rest of it turned out the way the box suggested. I am happy with it. I really love having BRIGHT red hair, and this isn't fading as fast as the semi-permanent Special FX dye I usually use.
I've tried taking photos, but the camera doesn't capture the candy-apple red; it just looks like an early Tori Amos dye job, which isn't quite accurate. Sigh.
In other super-exciting beauty news, I rediscovered Fyrinnae eyeshadows (www.fyrinnae.com). This is a small indie company that makes exceptional loose shadows. Many of them are dye-free. The colors are unusual and multi-dimensional; for instance, "Digital Faerie" has a deep sky blue base with green shimmer, so it appears as a complex teal. "Meerkat" is a pink-purple with gold shimmer and sparkles. My eyes are one of my best features, so I'm looking forward to some serious eye glam to make them pop.
I've had a light golden-green shimmer polish on my fingers for 3 days called "Cha Cha Cha" by China Glaze. It hasn't chipped or dented at all, which is remarkable. And I'm enjoying the color too much to take it off, which is also remarkable. See, I have so many polishes in my collection at this point that I'm driven to change the color almost daily. What is it about this weird springy green that I like so much?? It's such an optimistic shade; it reminds me of new leaves. It contrasts well with my dark purple clothing and coordinates nicely with my green clothing. It looks nice with my fiery hair. It works with my skintone even though it seems like it shouldn't.
Ah well. As obsessions go, nail polish and eyeshadow are pretty harmless...although, I would like to shift back into art and/or jewelry making.
First I gave myself chunky highlights at home, which would have looked nice, if they hadn't had a yellowy "caramel" cast. Yellow looks awful on me. If my hair is blonde, it has to be ashy.
So, I went over my highlighted head with "intense light auburn", and got beautiful Jello-red thick chunks, and the rest of it turned out the way the box suggested. I am happy with it. I really love having BRIGHT red hair, and this isn't fading as fast as the semi-permanent Special FX dye I usually use.
I've tried taking photos, but the camera doesn't capture the candy-apple red; it just looks like an early Tori Amos dye job, which isn't quite accurate. Sigh.
In other super-exciting beauty news, I rediscovered Fyrinnae eyeshadows (www.fyrinnae.com). This is a small indie company that makes exceptional loose shadows. Many of them are dye-free. The colors are unusual and multi-dimensional; for instance, "Digital Faerie" has a deep sky blue base with green shimmer, so it appears as a complex teal. "Meerkat" is a pink-purple with gold shimmer and sparkles. My eyes are one of my best features, so I'm looking forward to some serious eye glam to make them pop.
I've had a light golden-green shimmer polish on my fingers for 3 days called "Cha Cha Cha" by China Glaze. It hasn't chipped or dented at all, which is remarkable. And I'm enjoying the color too much to take it off, which is also remarkable. See, I have so many polishes in my collection at this point that I'm driven to change the color almost daily. What is it about this weird springy green that I like so much?? It's such an optimistic shade; it reminds me of new leaves. It contrasts well with my dark purple clothing and coordinates nicely with my green clothing. It looks nice with my fiery hair. It works with my skintone even though it seems like it shouldn't.
Ah well. As obsessions go, nail polish and eyeshadow are pretty harmless...although, I would like to shift back into art and/or jewelry making.
(no subject)
Jan. 22nd, 2012 11:18 pmSometimes I put my cellphone in my bra and then forget I put it there. And then a couple hours later, I freak out because I think I lost it.
This concludes my random thought of the day.
This concludes my random thought of the day.
(no subject)
Jul. 20th, 2011 04:07 amLittle light shining,
Little light will guide them to me.
My face is all lit up,
My face is all lit up.
If they find me racing white horses,
They'll not take me for a buoy.
Let me be weak,
Let me sleep
And dream of sheep.
Oh, I'll wake up
To any sound of engines,
Ev'ry gull a seeking craft.
I can't keep my eyes open--
Wish I had my radio.
I tune in to some friendly voices
Talking 'bout stupid things.
I can't be left to my imagination.
Let me be weak,
Let me sleep
And dream of sheep.
Ooh, their breath is warm
And they smell like sleep,
And they say they take me home.
Like poppies heavy with seed
They take me deeper and deeper.
-kate bush
Little light will guide them to me.
My face is all lit up,
My face is all lit up.
If they find me racing white horses,
They'll not take me for a buoy.
Let me be weak,
Let me sleep
And dream of sheep.
Oh, I'll wake up
To any sound of engines,
Ev'ry gull a seeking craft.
I can't keep my eyes open--
Wish I had my radio.
I tune in to some friendly voices
Talking 'bout stupid things.
I can't be left to my imagination.
Let me be weak,
Let me sleep
And dream of sheep.
Ooh, their breath is warm
And they smell like sleep,
And they say they take me home.
Like poppies heavy with seed
They take me deeper and deeper.
-kate bush
arachnid colony
May. 28th, 2011 12:40 amexhausted and ADRENALINE-FILLED
got home from hanging out in Lowell, found 4 ENORMOUS lively spiders guarding the door...one of them is a fucking mutant the size of my outer thumb joint and brightly-patterned. one was ON the door which terrified me...then I saw that my inside light of my car was on and I needed to shut it off so I had to do battle with them AGAIN....
I've found a few ants on my pillow so far.
life is not good.
got home from hanging out in Lowell, found 4 ENORMOUS lively spiders guarding the door...one of them is a fucking mutant the size of my outer thumb joint and brightly-patterned. one was ON the door which terrified me...then I saw that my inside light of my car was on and I needed to shut it off so I had to do battle with them AGAIN....
I've found a few ants on my pillow so far.
life is not good.
(no subject)
May. 22nd, 2011 10:30 pmSomeone posted this Dorothy Parker poem tonight on a forum:
Dorothy Parker
"Indian Summer"
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!
Amazing.
Dorothy Parker
"Indian Summer"
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!
Amazing.
(no subject)
May. 18th, 2011 10:07 pmI've got a nice stopgap measure for the bed. Works great for sleeping! Not great for sit-in-bed-with-laptop, but who gives a crap about that?
Went to Building 19 and located 15 identically-sized squares of 2" thick foam rubber. I looked really funny carrying them across the store. "Are these for pillows?" "Nope, they're for a bed." Cashier laughed. $23.75 total. I tucked them under my memory foam; they don't cover the whole mattress, but they cover my sleep surface area. They don't move because the memory foam grips them in place. The bed's pretty comfy in a side-sleeping position now. Pretty clever for $24.
Went to Building 19 and located 15 identically-sized squares of 2" thick foam rubber. I looked really funny carrying them across the store. "Are these for pillows?" "Nope, they're for a bed." Cashier laughed. $23.75 total. I tucked them under my memory foam; they don't cover the whole mattress, but they cover my sleep surface area. They don't move because the memory foam grips them in place. The bed's pretty comfy in a side-sleeping position now. Pretty clever for $24.
(no subject)
May. 17th, 2011 07:11 pmOh wow, I totally failed to find Market Basket. All of a sudden I'm in Stoneham, thinking Hmm, I think I missed the store I was trying to find...I also thought Oh, eastern MA! Nice to see you again! I'm no longer the most aggressive rude driver on the road!
So I turned around. I had directions to Trader Joe's in Burlington, and thought, Why not? But then the traffic on the other side of I-95 freaked me out, so I got off the highway and took 38-North. I found this adventure pretty amusing, until a red car tried to kill me...I pulled off the road to grab a coffee and take a break at a McDonald's, and a lady carrying a child (in her arms, not her uterus) ran me right into the fruit-yogurt-parfait sign. "Sorry, sorry!" Don't go to McDonald's to relax, it doesn't work.
A gigantic brain fart must have persuaded me it was a good idea to leave the house for errands at 4:30, just about in time for rush hour. Brilliant!
At least I managed to find Stop & Shop. I'd have to be totally blind to miss that. I'll be fine with my bananas, eggs, soymilk and protein-enriched cereal until I someone helps me get a clue.
So I turned around. I had directions to Trader Joe's in Burlington, and thought, Why not? But then the traffic on the other side of I-95 freaked me out, so I got off the highway and took 38-North. I found this adventure pretty amusing, until a red car tried to kill me...I pulled off the road to grab a coffee and take a break at a McDonald's, and a lady carrying a child (in her arms, not her uterus) ran me right into the fruit-yogurt-parfait sign. "Sorry, sorry!" Don't go to McDonald's to relax, it doesn't work.
A gigantic brain fart must have persuaded me it was a good idea to leave the house for errands at 4:30, just about in time for rush hour. Brilliant!
At least I managed to find Stop & Shop. I'd have to be totally blind to miss that. I'll be fine with my bananas, eggs, soymilk and protein-enriched cereal until I someone helps me get a clue.
