cellomusette: (Default)
I'm not an excessively private person. So here I am, writing to the entire world about exactly what keeps me from functioning normally....sure, that seems smart.
Who knows, maybe someone somewhere can benefit.

It is a rainy Friday night. Rain in the northeast is my Kryptonite; something about the barometric pressure change does not work well for me. My shoulder and neck have been in the same dull muscular ache for 5 weeks.
Sometimes the spasms are sharp, or they cover huge parts of my body. I get something that's like dull sciatica.

Then there's the fatigue. I was supposed to be at my friend T's gallery opening a couple hours ago, and I should be headed to a benefit dance party in an hour. But I can hardly keep my eyes open; with the rain and darkening skies, I don't trust myself behind the wheel. Something's up with my adrenal glands, I don't make enough cortisol, and I sleep really poorly. I go for weeks with my eyelids at half-mast.

I'd rather not describe the digestive issues in detail, but I will say I take a lot of quick-dissolve Zofran during bad periods for nausea. And that's definitely not my only anti-nausea remedy. I also experience complete loss of appetite for days at a time.

Diagnoses: Hashimoto's thyroiditis, post-late-Lyme disease (I think it's in remission), moderate lead poisoning (has been mostly treated), leaky gut, rheumatoid arthritis (dormant)...I think that's all. I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but I suspect the above conditions can explain those symptoms.

I have issues with depression. I don't know if they're the result of something biological, or 37 years of slow drag and bad luck. It becomes hard to tell. I don't believe there's much (if any) separation between the mind and body.

I'm not capable of the 40 hour a week grind, nor am I totally incapable of work.

That's actually REALLY awkward!!

As for tonight, I got as far as the makeup, then crashed.
Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.
cellomusette: (Default)
Let me start by saying: I truly like children. I babysat for years; after spending many summers at an local day camp for low-income girls, I became a counselor-in-training for a few summers, and was a paid camp counselor for three summers. I chose to do this instead of working in retail, food service or other.
I have a dorky, goofball personality. I am full of imagination and am skilled at many arts and crafts. I treat children like they're real people, because they are. I try my best to nurture their hopes and dreams, not squash them.
Did I mention I'm a dork?
I also love to play dress up and will gladly play along with whatever games a child requests.

I am not childfree because I don't love or understand children.

I am childfree because I fully understand what it takes to be responsible for even one child.
I know I do not have the personal resources to undertake a full parenting role.

Resources I lack:
-Consistent, stable physical health
-Enough flexibility to let me skip self-care routines to take care of my child. I can do this periodically when taking care of someone else's child, but not a child who belongs to me.
-A support system to take on child care when I am unable to do it myself.
-Adequate income. I would be heartbroken if I could not provide my kid with a full array of options: art classes, martial arts training, music lessons, educational trips. And I know I'm not able to.
-The ability to forego sleep. It's already such a challenge for me that I can't afford additional interruptions.

There's much more to that story, but the bottom line is, making myself responsible for a small human 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year would be an incredibly daft decision for myself and the child.

That said:
I have met some truly amazing children in my years, full of spark, joy, depth and wisdom beyond their years. I genuinely enjoy being around them. As I've sauntered into my late 30's, I've even gotten comfortable with setting boundaries and saying "No". Imagine that. ;)

So where does that leave me? Do I have a giant hole in my life where a child should be? I don't believe so.
Instead, I have space in my life, and a great potential to be there for the children of others. As the child of a single mother myself, I can say for certain that things always felt more stable and happy when there were grounded, caring adults in our life. Sometimes, those adults were able to be present -because- they themselves were not busy with children of their own. We all got something valuable out of being present for each other.

If it takes a village, I wager I'm a good villager to have around. :)

And if I ever change my mind? I can adopt!!
cellomusette: (pink hair 3.16.13)
I'm so so so happy to have Petra back. She's such a wonderful presence. I managed to transport her without the cat carrier, as Mom took the damned thing to her house after I left for Ireland (rather than leaving it with my catsitter). Fortunately, it was better for Petra to roam freely inside the car. At first she sat on the headrest, looking around frantically and shrieking as if she were being eaten alive. Finally she started to settle, making herself comfortable on the front seat. I was able to pet her and scritch her ears, and she got quiet and peaceful---after about 15 minutes, I heard occasional scratchy conversational meows and got some long soulful looks.

Petra is an incredibly beautiful "mini panther", a sleek black muscled cat with avocado-green eyes. I've missed her so much...
Welcome home, Miss Kitty.
cellomusette: (pink hair 3.16.13)
When you're terribly stressed and upset, and you haven't eaten in awhile, make your favorite food. Tonight, I have chosen to end my night with veggie sushi rolls. First, I made up some perfect sushi rice.

Perfect sushi rice for two maki rolls:
Wash 2/3 cup real sushi rice 3 times with water. Add 1 cup water and bring to a boil. Lower heat, simmer 10 minutes, turn heat off and let sit for 10 minutes.
Rice seasoning: Mix 2 tablespoons rice vinegar with 1 tablespoon honey (or sugar) and a scant tsp salt, microwave 30 seconds and stir until salt and honey dissolve.
To mix in the sweet-salty vinegar, cut it in with a rice paddle or spatula--this will keep the rice from getting too sticky.

As it cooled, I cut carrots and cucumber into matchsticks and blanched two cups of baby spinach for a crunchy juicy Popeye roll. Quick-cooked baby spinach is buttery and gorgeous stuff, and I could eat a very large bowl of it. I cut up half an avocado, for an overstuffed roll. These are big fat thick rolls, not like the tiny maki a sushi chef would serve, but I love them. I sprinkled toasted sesame seeds on each roll as I assembled it. Making the rolls was calming and meditative; the spinach-carrot-cucumber roll is particularly scrumptious. My dipping sauce contains tamari (fermented soy sauce), water (tamari is too rich on its own), wasabi powder, honey and powdered ginger.
Ahhhhhh. Beautiful. I'd intended to make a smoked salmon-cucumber roll, but I ran out of rice!

I feel like I took control of an otherwise terrible night.
cellomusette: (waterworld)
If I compare my life to the lives of people I know, I'll suffocate myself with a plastic bag. It's one day after another of nothingness. Just me, alone, no family except a mom who's mentally a teenager, dealing the best I can with physical pain and fatigue, taking a million meds and supplements. I don't really believe I'm ever going to get any better.

I laugh at other people's complaints.
Please. They have great lives.

I've taken up art again, hoping the work will provide me some channel into an actual life. I don't have much confidence overall, but I know my work is good.

It's a bad dream. I just need to wake up. Somebody stab me with a pin. Please?
cellomusette: (Default)
I dyed my hair a fiery red.
First I gave myself chunky highlights at home, which would have looked nice, if they hadn't had a yellowy "caramel" cast. Yellow looks awful on me. If my hair is blonde, it has to be ashy.
So, I went over my highlighted head with "intense light auburn", and got beautiful Jello-red thick chunks, and the rest of it turned out the way the box suggested. I am happy with it. I really love having BRIGHT red hair, and this isn't fading as fast as the semi-permanent Special FX dye I usually use.
I've tried taking photos, but the camera doesn't capture the candy-apple red; it just looks like an early Tori Amos dye job, which isn't quite accurate. Sigh.

In other super-exciting beauty news, I rediscovered Fyrinnae eyeshadows (www.fyrinnae.com). This is a small indie company that makes exceptional loose shadows. Many of them are dye-free. The colors are unusual and multi-dimensional; for instance, "Digital Faerie" has a deep sky blue base with green shimmer, so it appears as a complex teal. "Meerkat" is a pink-purple with gold shimmer and sparkles. My eyes are one of my best features, so I'm looking forward to some serious eye glam to make them pop.

I've had a light golden-green shimmer polish on my fingers for 3 days called "Cha Cha Cha" by China Glaze. It hasn't chipped or dented at all, which is remarkable. And I'm enjoying the color too much to take it off, which is also remarkable. See, I have so many polishes in my collection at this point that I'm driven to change the color almost daily. What is it about this weird springy green that I like so much?? It's such an optimistic shade; it reminds me of new leaves. It contrasts well with my dark purple clothing and coordinates nicely with my green clothing. It looks nice with my fiery hair. It works with my skintone even though it seems like it shouldn't.

Ah well. As obsessions go, nail polish and eyeshadow are pretty harmless...although, I would like to shift back into art and/or jewelry making.
cellomusette: (Default)
Sometimes I put my cellphone in my bra and then forget I put it there. And then a couple hours later, I freak out because I think I lost it.

This concludes my random thought of the day.
cellomusette: (Default)
Little light shining,
Little light will guide them to me.
My face is all lit up,
My face is all lit up.
If they find me racing white horses,
They'll not take me for a buoy.

Let me be weak,
Let me sleep
And dream of sheep.

Oh, I'll wake up
To any sound of engines,
Ev'ry gull a seeking craft.
I can't keep my eyes open--
Wish I had my radio.

I tune in to some friendly voices
Talking 'bout stupid things.
I can't be left to my imagination.

Let me be weak,
Let me sleep
And dream of sheep.

Ooh, their breath is warm
And they smell like sleep,
And they say they take me home.
Like poppies heavy with seed
They take me deeper and deeper.

-kate bush
cellomusette: (Default)
I'll just use it all in my book.
cellomusette: (phiz cats-mope)
got home from hanging out in Lowell, found 4 ENORMOUS lively spiders guarding the door...one of them is a fucking mutant the size of my outer thumb joint and brightly-patterned. one was ON the door which terrified me...then I saw that my inside light of my car was on and I needed to shut it off so I had to do battle with them AGAIN....
I've found a few ants on my pillow so far.
life is not good.
cellomusette: (Default)
Someone posted this Dorothy Parker poem tonight on a forum:

Dorothy Parker
"Indian Summer"

In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!

cellomusette: (Default)
I've got a nice stopgap measure for the bed. Works great for sleeping! Not great for sit-in-bed-with-laptop, but who gives a crap about that?
Went to Building 19 and located 15 identically-sized squares of 2" thick foam rubber. I looked really funny carrying them across the store. "Are these for pillows?" "Nope, they're for a bed." Cashier laughed. $23.75 total. I tucked them under my memory foam; they don't cover the whole mattress, but they cover my sleep surface area. They don't move because the memory foam grips them in place. The bed's pretty comfy in a side-sleeping position now. Pretty clever for $24.
cellomusette: (Default)
Oh wow, I totally failed to find Market Basket. All of a sudden I'm in Stoneham, thinking Hmm, I think I missed the store I was trying to find...I also thought Oh, eastern MA! Nice to see you again! I'm no longer the most aggressive rude driver on the road!
So I turned around. I had directions to Trader Joe's in Burlington, and thought, Why not? But then the traffic on the other side of I-95 freaked me out, so I got off the highway and took 38-North. I found this adventure pretty amusing, until a red car tried to kill me...I pulled off the road to grab a coffee and take a break at a McDonald's, and a lady carrying a child (in her arms, not her uterus) ran me right into the fruit-yogurt-parfait sign. "Sorry, sorry!" Don't go to McDonald's to relax, it doesn't work.
A gigantic brain fart must have persuaded me it was a good idea to leave the house for errands at 4:30, just about in time for rush hour. Brilliant!
At least I managed to find Stop & Shop. I'd have to be totally blind to miss that. I'll be fine with my bananas, eggs, soymilk and protein-enriched cereal until I someone helps me get a clue.
cellomusette: (Default)
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I'd be kind of excited. I would want to know immediately what my real life circumstances were. Am I healthy? Do I still have the same family? Am I still the same person?
I've learned a lot from my life experience, but I've got more cards stacked against me than I'd like. Being free of chronic pain and fatigue and immune deficiency issues would give me a COMPLETELY different life. Even with depression/anxiety, I really feel that, at this point in my life, I could be unstoppable at whatever I set my mind to.
cellomusette: (Default)
I've been bouncing funds around a bit...not large amounts, but still.
I tried out two pairs of Birkenstocks that didn't work and got my refunds on both. (I kept my black slides, they were perfect.)
I went for some purple patterned Tevas that were marked 50% off, because there are a lot of things I can't do in the water without nylon-and-rubber sandals. Namely, boating, or swimming in areas with rough footing.
My summer footwear needs are now completely spoken for. I have my black casual sandals, my waterproof sport sandals and silver gladiator sandals. And I have tall combat boots. There's nothing in between that I really feel comfortable in. I hope someday I'll find a pair of mary janes or clogs that work for me. Until then, I'm happy to defy fashion rules and wear tie-dyed socks with my birkenstocks. Rah rah rah.
cellomusette: (Default)
My Lenovo ThinkPad's name is Petra. Petra Arkanian, for the sharpshooter androgynous important female Battle Schooler in Ender's Game. She was Armenian, and a total badass, and she helped Ender out of a lot of scrapes. Plus she's got tons of armor: Avast is great, plus apparently there's this thing called Windows Defender, and Lenovo has built-in protection of some sort. I feel really secure with this new machine, and it runs great, too.

My iBook G4's name is Cassie. I named her after a Skins character, this eccentric girl with an eating disorder who eats a lot of apples, travels a lot, and is a survivor. Despite a suicide attempt and anorexia, she still manages to graduate from college and fly to NYC! Bravo, Cassie! I originally bought this computer in early 2006, so yes, she's been around awhile. I had a Mac repairman resuscitate her early this year---she'd been in the backseat of my car for two years. The repair cost me a whopping 100 bucks, and they gave me a brand new keyboard and everything.

I think the Gateway desktop PC's name is Spliff. It's kinda dumb and doesn't appear to have much memory, much like a chronic pothead. Still going to try to make Spliff run some version of Ubuntu.

My old ruined Dell is named Gollum. I was going to name it Satine, because it was dying of consumption, but now it's pretty much functionally dead. So now I think of it as a monstrosity and a killer. A killer of my wallet. (Fuck you, Dell!)
cellomusette: (Default)
Do any of you have recommendations for free photo-editing software I can download off the web?
I can't find my original OLYMPUS MASTER software disc, which came with my camera. I wasn't thrilled with that anyway.
I've been doing my photo-editing using iPhoto.
I want to switch to editing photos on the Lenovo, because the screen lighting and resolution is better, and I now have a hard drive to do weekly backups with.
Someone suggested GIMP.
cellomusette: (Default)
I looooove it. <3 <3 <3

I've installed Avast and Chrome and Skype, and now I'm letting it charge up and rest while I do other things. I'll be sure to wax poetic on all the things I love about it specifically when I get done eating lunch and enjoying some of my day.

What a win!! And the fact that I am posting this from my Mac makes me feel oddly good about life.
cellomusette: (Default)
My basic brain issue can be described as ongoing depression with anxiety, and some complex PTSD.
For years, meds providers have been treating just the depression, with SSRIs, thinking this was the main issue and that the anxiety would naturally abate. My recent experience with going off my prescription SSRI contradicts all that.

I do need to be supplemented with something that provides an SSRI function. My brain sucks up serotonin like a sponge, and I become a moody miserable nonfunctional bastard. Who somehow retains a flatness in my affect. No, we don't want THAT! But: how much SSRI dosing do I need? The answer: Not tons. Just enough to make a difference, without turning me into a zombie. Luckily, I'm sensitive to medications, and St John's wort/hypericum works for me. The benefit of the herb is it's strong enough to boost my serotonin, but mild enough to leave my mental energy and creative force intact. I have more drive, ambition and clarity than I've had in years, possibly ever.
(Still taking fish oil, too. High dose of omega-3 = increased grey matter function and reduced inflammation in the body and brain. Do the math. It's a win.)

The trouble with hypericum: for me, it doesn't treat anxiety. I find myself having difficulty compartmentalizing emotions that come to the surface because I'm used to having them stuffed down by the old drugs. And anxiety, if it goes steadily for long enough, crashes me into a depressive funk. So: it MUST be treated. I've had poor results with magnesium supplements, 5-HTP and chamomile.

What works for anxiety, for me, is diazepam (Valium). It does not make me sleepy, if I take it for anxiety (and I don't take it for anything else, really). It does not make me feel "high". It does not give me an artificial feeling of everything being right with the world.
It just makes me normal and functional so I can go about my day in a good mood.
It stops me from involuntarily tensing up my body in reaction to stress.
It has NO side-effects. No weight gain, no headaches or dry mouth or stomach upset or hangover.

Now, if I can figure out a dosing schedule that works for me, I may be able to get my brainpan under control.
cellomusette: (Default)
I'm not giving up on Ubuntu for that Gateway desktop yet. I'm trying a reinstall. Probably it will have the same results. Oh well. I'll try running it with the CD in the tray for now and see how long it goes until the pixels disintegrate.

To clarify: As of Friday there will be 4 computers in this house.

1. My iBook G4, which is my main computer RIGHT NOW. It runs, but it's slow. It doesn't do Flash. I can't watch Netflix or Hulu on it. I can't chat on Skype. I haven't bothered downloading OpenOffice, it'll just slow down even more. It's not very compatible. That damned Motorolla processor.
HOWEVER! It doesn't get viruses! It's got a shiny new case, a perfect-condition powercord, and it's very reliable. Getting photos from my camera is incredibly easy with iPhoto. It's 13" and white. It's the Cute Lil White Box.

2. Mom's Gateway desktop PC, which used to be my uncle's (he passed away). It had Windows XP and now it doesn't. Things are disorganized down here and I don't have a recovery disc. I really just want the Linux installation to work.

3. My black Dell laptop. I call it Satine. Which is disrespectful to Satine, and to Nicole Kidman, I know. It is so close to death, it might as well be Satine during her final moments in Moulin Rouge. I'm not sure it can even power up. The power cord is completely coming apart. Hey, maybe I'll try my Ubuntu disc on that thing. Then I can see if it's a hardware or a software issue causing the consumption. Honestly it's probably both. That Dell is a piece of SHIT. The motherboard needed replacing A FEW MONTHS after I bought it. Gross.

4. And finally, the Lenovo Thinkpad that's supposedly arriving by UPS tomorrow. Don't have a name for that yet! Whee.

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