cellomusette | (no subject) (Reply)

These two videos are representative of what my parent refers to as a “tiff” or a “fight” and they happen regularly.
It doesn’t make any difference if I speak reasonably and fairly. Her philosophy at this point in time is that since her parents treated and spoke to her a certain way and expected her not to cry or hesitate in getting coherent words out, I should be grateful to be treated the same way and that the abusive behavior her parents inflicted onto her is simply a rite of passage that I should be grateful for because it’ll toughen my whiny ass up and show me how to be thankful for the good things that come along.

It doesn’t work that way. I have selective mutism. When I am pressured, stressed or frightened, I lose my ability to put my thoughts together in a cohesive order. Most of the time I freeze up and stutter, or can’t speak at all. My parent’s response is to bark at me, intimidate me and say things like “Spit it out!!” because they’re angry that I’m not answering fast enough. I’ve explained this condition to them several times now and they persist in trying to bully me into answers I can’t provide due to intimidation, until I hide my face in my hands and/or start crying. Once the crying starts, they claim I’VE triggered THEM with MY CRIES, and they have an excuse to bully me with screams, terrorizing behaviors, and mocking, sneering name calling. Every assault they can dream up to torment me the way kids tortured me in elementary school.

I would rather be beaten bloody, have my jaw broken, my legs fractured and both eyes blackened than go through this as often as I do. It’s very hard to contemplate no contact with the only family you’ve had (other than a grandmother who’s dead) for your entire life. I’m also disabled by mul chronic illnesses (which originated from the stress of coping with this exact kind of trauma). It kills me that none of my parent’s compatriots understand that this is not a mommy daughter conflict situation where both parties participate equally. No. One of them is a punching bag and the other boxes with it. I am not the boxer. If I ever get hold of the gloves, I’ll not be fucking around….I will deliver the death blow. I have had ENOUGH and that rotten spoiled infant needs to drown in her own liquid feces. I’m exhausted and I deserve some fucking peace.

youtu.be/ZfKsBNR6Zfo

youtu.be/z6GMpJp3xYw