there are no morning-after pills for this

yes, my 21 year old cousin is dead.
one thing he said to my grandmother about a week ago was "nobody wants me". he didn't think anyone believed in him. it was hard sometimes. he was a high school dropout, had a reading disability and lack of self-discipline. but he made a good living doing carpentry work. he just kept screwing up to the point where i think his parents were actually hoping he'd die, in a way. in 1999 he went to jail for 6 months for accidentally shooting a kid. he told me he was actually trying to kill himself. russian roulette. then there was the car accident, where a police car was chasing him at high speeds and he hit a tree and was in a coma for three weeks.

sometimes, once you start falling, you can't stop yourself. case in point, right here.

makes me want to throw up, in fact i just did. literally.

i called in today and tomorrow. no work for me until wednesday. five days off in a row. should be enough time to get my self together.

the waterboys have the key

these things you keep
you better throw 'em away
you wanna turn your back
on your soulless days
once you were tethered
now you are free
once you are tethered,
now you are free

that was the river,
this is the sea

girls, you've got to know when it's time to turn the page

you say you don't want it again and again, but you don't really mean it

every other song i hear gets me all weepy. anything slow, just reminds me of lost potential.
i don't think my family in western mass gives a flying fuck if i come visit or not. i don't think i'm important at all. wouldn't it be easier if instead of dying, we could just cease to exist? then we could ignore that. we wouldn't have this traumatic event to go through. we wouldn't have to ask why, anymore. people would just be gone and we could easily forget about it, assume they'd gone off to another country somewhere, this would be an especially easy tactic if the person weren't someone we saw every day.

i didn't see matt every day. i only saw him about four times a year...though it was more up til i was ten or so.
still, this isn't right. it doesn't fit.
it shouldn't have happened this way.
he's not supposed to be gone. he's supposed to come and surprise me and we'll go out for ice cream.

he had the biggest fucking heart in the world. sorry, i can't provide proof for that, like he raised a million dollars for march of dimes. it was the way he was with people.

my mom was saying that matt wasn't happy in this life, that he was miserable, that this accident was for the best. makes me want to beat her with a big stick. he shouldn't have HAD to die. was he not worth something anymore, because his face didn't look the same as it did before his first accident, because his brain was all foggy from it? what about when he was in a coma and fought tooth and nail to get out of it?

and what the hell is it with our family?
my grandfather...in the early 90's...had a near-fatal crash, and he lived for another year in a lot of physical pain. then he went hunting one day and dropped dead of a heart attack. everyone said that was for the best too. but he was on Paxil, at age 70, trying to redeem his life.

i could die any day now, and i don't feel like i have much to show for it.