there are no morning-after pills for this

[cellomusette]

yes, my 21 year old cousin is dead.
one thing he said to my grandmother about a week ago was "nobody wants me". he didn't think anyone believed in him. it was hard sometimes. he was a high school dropout, had a reading disability and lack of self-discipline. but he made a good living doing carpentry work. he just kept screwing up to the point where i think his parents were actually hoping he'd die, in a way. in 1999 he went to jail for 6 months for accidentally shooting a kid. he told me he was actually trying to kill himself. russian roulette. then there was the car accident, where a police car was chasing him at high speeds and he hit a tree and was in a coma for three weeks.

sometimes, once you start falling, you can't stop yourself. case in point, right here.

makes me want to throw up, in fact i just did. literally.

i called in today and tomorrow. no work for me until wednesday. five days off in a row. should be enough time to get my self together.

Comments

[murmur.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry hannah.
i hope all is well with you,
and that you feel better soon.
*hugs*

[watercolorblue.livejournal.com]

thank you. that's really sweet. it's just comforting to know people are there and that i'm not just drifting through the world or something.

i hope your new place works out well.

[radi0activeb0y.livejournal.com]

Wow. I'm really sorry sweetie. I wish I were there to give you tons of hugs.

[watercolorblue.livejournal.com]

thanks chris. i'll take tons of virtual hugs for now. :)

Re:

[radi0activeb0y.livejournal.com]

in that case: hugs times infinity!

[pure-shite.livejournal.com]

I'm truly very sorry for your loss. I'm sure you must be feeling sick with grief right about now, and I know there isn't a whole lot that I can say to ease your pain. But if I could, I would. *hugs*

What you said about your cousin...a lot of it reminded me of my brother.

Re:

[watercolorblue.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm sort of in denial. I've never had anyone die in my family, except for old grandparents who were over 70. It makes me ill when a young person in good health dies. I don't know how to deal and my mother decided to leave town and probably no one else in the family would care if I drove 2.5 hours to be with them.

It's like he accomplished the ultimate failure, by dying. (By effectively eliminating any chance of success.) I'm so angry and disappointed in him, but sympathetic too, and none of it matters, 'cause he's fucking dead. I wasn't around enough, I never had a chance to show him I believed in him. I failed him in that respect.

Isn't it great how people are sometimes made to feel that their lives aren't worth anything at all?

I just bent your ear off, sorry...I remember reading something about your brother, that experience had to be on an elevated level of traumatic. I'm sorry for your loss as well.