(no subject)

when a anyone close to me is being treated badly by someone, i grow in height by about three feet and develop telekinesis, just 'cause i get so pissed off. i think it's the adrenaline. so don't screw around with my friends, mmkay?

well...more realistically i try to impart my independent, self-worth philosophy on them, which basically translates to "i'm worth too much to put up with this crap, so BYE."

i suppose it's easier for me to swear off relationships than it is for most people, because i've never really been in one. i've heard it gets to be like an addiction. one important thing i've realized is that no one is worth my severe aggravation. you can almost always weigh how much good someone brings into your life with the amount of turmoil they introduce. if the good doesn't add up to more, than it's fairly easy for me to throw them out the window. and maybe i can do this because my life is good right now---but i also remember making a conscious decision this spring, when i was thoroughly miserable, that i would not allow any one person to have power over my mind, and with two minor exceptions, i was able to stick to that.

i don't really have a girlfriend personality. i've always felt that i wasn't invited to be in the girlfriend club, like that just wasn't part of me. i'm not allowed in there. instead, i drift back and forth between being an independent loner and a mother/protector. the personality tests i've take either mark me as an Idealist/Counselor or a Guardian, depending on the day. i can act as social butterfly, but that's more a skilll than a personality trait. i'm much too introspective. and i might be changing, but either the change is very slow or no one has noticed. but i'm happy right now, so nothing else really makes a difference to me.

i'm at an age where it's not really polite for others to ask what my sexual history is. which is lucky, because if someone happens to ask anyway, i can simply reply, "i can't tell you. you'd be appalled." which is kind of true, just not in the way they'd expect. and they are welcome to wonder, i've discovered that mystery has it's advantages. as far as i'm concerned the whole world can go about their business thinking i fuck everything that moves. i find the irony very amusing.

maybe this tangent is linked to the fact that i'm sort of attracted to one of the other lab techs and i'm curious to see how i'll handle it differently this time. i think i'll stand up to the test.

(no subject)

as soon as i start getting paid, i am out of this house. i am getting an apartment by myself. no roommates for me.

today was a nightmare day for me. my mom is on the rampage. this morning we had a screaming fight because she has a "sensitivity" to loud music and her car stereo doesn't work well, i.e. the volume doesn't turn down easily. mostly, she screamed at me and told me i was an evil, condescending bitch. apparently i am cruel and say inflammatory things to her to egg her on. this is partly true. she also told me that i'm just like my father's mother, who was a cold, mean castrating woman and enjoyed spreading negative feelings around like peanut butter. this is also true. about a minute after the screaming starts, i quiet myself down and start saying cutting, nasty things in a low voice and watch her spin even more wildly out of control. i get a certain satisfaction out of this. mostly it's an overkill defense mechanism.
or maybe i'm really evil.
mom's GF thinks i'm an abusive daughter, that i say abusive things.
most of the time i recover quickly from the fights i have with mother, but it's been seven hours now and i still feel sick to my stomach when she's in the room with me. i feel scarred. i think my mother hates me. i can't live in this house any more. and i can't live with anyone else, either, because eventually they'll suffer too. i've never had a roommate be happy with me. no one should ever be forced to share a space with me.

wow, for someone who has so much to be thankful for, i really feel like i want to crawl in a hole. i have no idea where to go right now. where are evil mean people supposed to go?

disgust

christ, can i really afford to be running around with all these regrets on my back? no, i really can't. i have shoulder problems as it is without that fucking two-ton weight. you win some, you lose some. i wish i could just accept the losses, and maybe i could, if i didn't feel so fucking sad and alone right now.

there is no one here, and there never will be.