(no subject)
Jan. 12th, 2002 06:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cellomusetteas soon as i start getting paid, i am out of this house. i am getting an apartment by myself. no roommates for me.
today was a nightmare day for me. my mom is on the rampage. this morning we had a screaming fight because she has a "sensitivity" to loud music and her car stereo doesn't work well, i.e. the volume doesn't turn down easily. mostly, she screamed at me and told me i was an evil, condescending bitch. apparently i am cruel and say inflammatory things to her to egg her on. this is partly true. she also told me that i'm just like my father's mother, who was a cold, mean castrating woman and enjoyed spreading negative feelings around like peanut butter. this is also true. about a minute after the screaming starts, i quiet myself down and start saying cutting, nasty things in a low voice and watch her spin even more wildly out of control. i get a certain satisfaction out of this. mostly it's an overkill defense mechanism.
or maybe i'm really evil.
mom's GF thinks i'm an abusive daughter, that i say abusive things.
most of the time i recover quickly from the fights i have with mother, but it's been seven hours now and i still feel sick to my stomach when she's in the room with me. i feel scarred. i think my mother hates me. i can't live in this house any more. and i can't live with anyone else, either, because eventually they'll suffer too. i've never had a roommate be happy with me. no one should ever be forced to share a space with me.
wow, for someone who has so much to be thankful for, i really feel like i want to crawl in a hole. i have no idea where to go right now. where are evil mean people supposed to go?
today was a nightmare day for me. my mom is on the rampage. this morning we had a screaming fight because she has a "sensitivity" to loud music and her car stereo doesn't work well, i.e. the volume doesn't turn down easily. mostly, she screamed at me and told me i was an evil, condescending bitch. apparently i am cruel and say inflammatory things to her to egg her on. this is partly true. she also told me that i'm just like my father's mother, who was a cold, mean castrating woman and enjoyed spreading negative feelings around like peanut butter. this is also true. about a minute after the screaming starts, i quiet myself down and start saying cutting, nasty things in a low voice and watch her spin even more wildly out of control. i get a certain satisfaction out of this. mostly it's an overkill defense mechanism.
or maybe i'm really evil.
mom's GF thinks i'm an abusive daughter, that i say abusive things.
most of the time i recover quickly from the fights i have with mother, but it's been seven hours now and i still feel sick to my stomach when she's in the room with me. i feel scarred. i think my mother hates me. i can't live in this house any more. and i can't live with anyone else, either, because eventually they'll suffer too. i've never had a roommate be happy with me. no one should ever be forced to share a space with me.
wow, for someone who has so much to be thankful for, i really feel like i want to crawl in a hole. i have no idea where to go right now. where are evil mean people supposed to go?
