i hope you're not jealous of me, 'cause that's PRETTY FUCKIN' STUPID OF YOU

[cellomusette]

maybe ranting a little will make me feel better.

you know what? just because i have a steady job, good income and a new car, doesn't mean SHIT. i might as well just set it all on fire, because none of it is making me happy. i don't think i even know how to be happy. it all leads back to the fact that life is not the sum of the money you make and the goals you have. it only survives via this intangible thing, a feeling of contentment, that i've had for fleeting moments in my existence.

what did i bother working so hard for? i did all i did because i thought i had to in order to survive. i got everything i thought i wanted, and now i've lost anything i had that i needed to be happy. i almost wish i were dead. i mean, what's the fucking point? whenever i meet interesting people, they disappear anyway.

i'm sick of being alone and stranded out here. it's already been three weeks and i'm not enjoying the adjustment. i dare say i don't even like eastern mass. i don't relate to anyone anymore. and i'm pissed off, because people who haven't worked even 30 percent as hard as i have over the past couple of years are happier than i am. do you think i give a fucking rat's ass about money? money doesn't buy personal connections. i don't even fit in with my new social class. everyone around me is "normal," and i just feel like a punk-ass gutter freak wherever i go. i'm goddamn sick of it. do i think it's funny when i put on my ripped jeans and jane's addiction teeshirt and slide into my 2002 Chevy? i used to, but i don't anymore. now i just feel like a huge misfit.

so a big fuck-you to all the slackers out there who think i'm a real bitch because of whatever things i have. you can fucking take them, and shove them up your ass for all i care.

Comments

[tlc71076.livejournal.com]

I've tried for about two weeks to put into words what you wrote here. I've got a steady job, good income, and presently trying to decide which new car to buy... but still, not happy. When you say you don't think you know how to be happy, I know exactly what you mean. I've come to realize that everything I thought would make me happy (money, getting in shape, etc) only provide me with, like you said, a fleeting contentment. And then even worse is that I keep thinking of going back to school for a higher degree to make more money. Because more money will surely be the answer to happiness, right?

And please excuse me for babbling on here. I hope you don't mind a random stranger popping in but I was reading friends of friends pages and well, like I said, you summed up my thoughts rather nicely.

The answers to all your problems, convenient summarized

[madbard.livejournal.com]

I think the key element is that you absolutely, as a highest commandment, have to enjoy your work in a fundamental way. This is a combiation of several factors:

1) Finding the subject matter interesting. (Most important question: Would you think about it if nobody paid you?)

2) Feeling capable in the field, so you can enter a kind of good vicious cycle where success breeds more motivation which gives rise to more success.

3) Being in an envrionment where you can exercize creative decision making and see the results in reality. This is a function of the particular job (rather than the field in general), management, responsibility, and similar factors. You may love cooking, but if you're a waiter all your life you will never have the opportunity to experience the field as a decision-maker.

If the answer to #3 is no, you may need a new particular job, though obviously freedom to make this change may vary. (And of course you don't want to bail prematurely on a job whose conditions may improve.)

If the answer to #2 is no, then more education may be the answer. Or maybe moving onto a different field. (Though it is always better to give your own abilities the benefit of the doubt.)

If the answer to #1 is no, then get out of your field and don't look back. No amount of money or concrete success is likely to make you happy. Spend every waking moment figuring out what will give you a "yes" answer to the question in parenthases. Nothing else matters. Money and career success are only meaningful in the context of a yes answer to #1. Without it, they will only provide fleeting or generalized satisfaction. Love is an equally important part of one's life, but it ultimately won't serve unless it goes hand in hand with one's work (be that paid work or something equally demanding like raising a child).

It's important to answer these questions with a kind of ruthless objectivity about your own internal and emotional state based on observations over time. Don't ignore your feelings, but don't give sudden impulses or dissatisfactions sway over your decision-making. Make every emotion prove itself to be important.

If you can get 1-3 in order, or be on the path towards doing so, you will tend to experience your work as a kind of self-justifying satisfaction that needs no further "why"'s or "what now"'s.

Five cents please.

You'd put Ann Landers to shame.

[tlc71076.livejournal.com]

Wow, all that for only 5 cents? Where do I make an appointment for weekly therapy?

I am in 100% agreeance on everything you've said here. Most importantly, that you have to enjoy your work in a fundamental way. My overwhelming response to that, in the context of my present state of employment, is that I don't love one damn thing about my work. Hell, they pay me and I still barely give it a thought. They stop paying me and I'd forget it by tomorrow.

My problem with #2 is that the only reason I feel I need a higher degree is because of what other people require me to have. Pardon my ego for a moment, but I know I'm far more capable than a great portion of people with said extra degrees. But simply stating that to hiring managers isn't enough. I don't exactly want to go back to school, but if that's the only way to get into places I presumably want to get into, what choice do I have? Nevermind the fact that I still don't know what 'places' these are.

Need to find a path to a 'yes' answer to #1. And trust me, I spend every waking and sleeping hour thinking about it. Just can't wrap my brain around which career path is for me. I'm sure I'll find it... I suppose I need to learn patience in said search.

Thank you for providing the answers to my problems. You're a lifesaver. ;)

*goes to print out Dr. Mike's Handy-Dandy Guide to Solving Life's Biggest Problem*

Re: You'd put Ann Landers to shame.

[madbard.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked this, because earlier tonight I found myself asking, "What kind of an asshole am I to have written that?" (I'm sure Hannah had similar thoughts.)

Anyway, you'll notice that I didn't actually provide any answers. Just outlined the problems. (I still want my nickel though.)

[watercolorblue.livejournal.com]

yeah man i thought you were a total asshole! how dare you give good advice in MY JOURNAL?!?!? *grin*

oh god, i feel like such an asshole sometimes when i give advice. like, who the hell do i think i am? but seriously, you wrote well, i think. you didn't sound like a jerk or anything. somebody could take it the wrong way but that would be due to their own insecurity.

Re: The answers to all your problems, convenient summarized

[blergeatkitty.livejournal.com]

Yup, you're right. Right right right. Here's a nickel from me.

For another nickel, will you tell us how to find a job that satisfies conditions 1, 2, and 3?

Re: The answers to all your problems, convenient summarized

[madbard.livejournal.com]

No problem. Call my boy Louie the Jobmonger at (212) 344-3923. He'll hook you up.

(Just kidding. That would be nice though, yes?)

I can however provide principles:

1) Observation - of each job you take and your own reaction. It is 4023923% crucial to know what sort of things interest and motivate you.

2) Role models - surround yourself with people who are along in their careers and happy. Learn from the things they take for granted.

3) Exploration and learning about potential fields of interest - as much as possible.

4) Ambition.

As for your case, the problem doesn't seem to be as complicated. You already know what you want to do. Now go find people already doing it and learn how they got there. Work backwards. Sheesh, is that so hard?

indeed!

[watercolorblue.livejournal.com]

that was very well said, and i as well am in total agreement. actually it sounds like advice i might have given someone else, back in the day when i was feeling great and gave advice on a regular basis because that was part of my job and all...

i don't have issues with #1. i love scientific research because it lets me solve puzzles/mysteries/problems. i am ok with #2, mostly. but i do want to spiff up my technical skills A LOT. number 3 is an issue because i took a production-oriented job...it was the first one offered to me and i was running out of money because i was denied unemployment. i had no choice but to take [the job i have now]. my issues at this point:

-paranoia about being cut from my job again, worrying that every mistake i make is giving them a reason to get rid of me

-going crazy from all the stress on the job and not being attended to much because everyone's so busy, plus that whole family death thing creeps in at odd times and makes me more susceptible to caving in to stress than usual.

-wanting to get a research-oriented job, but feeling too shaky to look for another position, for which i'll have to be trained YET AGAIN(!!)... so i'm stuck in a clinical-profit setting where there's no room for me to take on my own project and save the day like i did at my last job.

-i am not "cool" at work! this sounds stupid to say, but i am not socially successful there and too new to be successful task-wise. so i go in and feel stupid and annoying all day. then i go home and be by myself until the next day when i can feel like an idiot again.

i guess what i need is some stuff to get me through this period in my career, such as friends and stuff to do outside of work. blah blah blah, i just bent your ear (eyes???) again, sorry. and thanks. here's my virtual nickel.

[watercolorblue.livejournal.com]

Thanks for dropping by, I'm glad you related! Well, not glad, really, because it sucks and all, but you know what I mean. Feel free to babble to me anytime, I like hearing what people have to say. :)

[madbard.livejournal.com]

And on a much more practical level:

I'll be back in Beantown on the 11th. Come hang out sometime. You do die, but life's not necessarily a bitch.

[dragonwolf-24.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

i wish i had advice for you, but five years from now i'll probably be asking advice from you when i'm in a similiar situation ;-)