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Apr. 10th, 2011 02:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
The thoughtful ramblings of a sleepy person.
I joke a lot. I care a lot. I think a lot and I imagine a lot. Those are some of my good qualities.
Regrettably, optimism is not one of those qualities. Not truly, not optimism for my own self. I can't fully blame life experience for that. I suspect it's a temperamental predisposition.
I tend to get anxious about details and get paranoid when I'm about to make a transition or take a risk. I don't really trust that good things will actually happen for me. I batten down the hatches and brace myself for the next hurricane.
I get ridiculed for worrying about details and for being anxious. "It'll all work out, don't worry! You're so negative!" People who say such things...I find them hysterical. Life isn't about things working out! Life is about disappointment. Life is about building up something that means something, and having uncontrollable events tear it all down. It happens over, and over, and over again. We are, I am, in a kind of purgatory.
So why do I try? I'll be honest...this past year, since finding out my father died and that his family wanted nothing to do with me, a large part of my persevering self stopped trying and took a nice coma under the bed. The domino effect from that event devastated me. But in a way, I haven't changed over the years.
Hopeful or not, I still throw my hat into the ring. Because you never know what can happen. Because I'm stubborn. Because I'm scrappy, and I'll fight for my right. Not to party, but to, you know. Find a way to be Living, as opposed to just Surviving.
(this post is brought to you by the number 2, as in 2am)
I joke a lot. I care a lot. I think a lot and I imagine a lot. Those are some of my good qualities.
Regrettably, optimism is not one of those qualities. Not truly, not optimism for my own self. I can't fully blame life experience for that. I suspect it's a temperamental predisposition.
I tend to get anxious about details and get paranoid when I'm about to make a transition or take a risk. I don't really trust that good things will actually happen for me. I batten down the hatches and brace myself for the next hurricane.
I get ridiculed for worrying about details and for being anxious. "It'll all work out, don't worry! You're so negative!" People who say such things...I find them hysterical. Life isn't about things working out! Life is about disappointment. Life is about building up something that means something, and having uncontrollable events tear it all down. It happens over, and over, and over again. We are, I am, in a kind of purgatory.
So why do I try? I'll be honest...this past year, since finding out my father died and that his family wanted nothing to do with me, a large part of my persevering self stopped trying and took a nice coma under the bed. The domino effect from that event devastated me. But in a way, I haven't changed over the years.
Hopeful or not, I still throw my hat into the ring. Because you never know what can happen. Because I'm stubborn. Because I'm scrappy, and I'll fight for my right. Not to party, but to, you know. Find a way to be Living, as opposed to just Surviving.
(this post is brought to you by the number 2, as in 2am)