(no subject)
Jan. 8th, 2002 10:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cellomusettemy mother just tried to do some palm healing stuff on my knee, and the light pressure of her warm hands made it feel like someone was pricking me with small needles. i'm ignoring the sensation the best i can and doing everything in my power to get it to go back to normal, and nothing is working. at this point i can't even form so much as a right angle when i try to bend my knee.
but i think i've figured out what's causing this. i just started a new job, which is extremely stressful, but that's not all. i'm afraid i'll screw something up at work and they will fire me. there is a very strong paranoia force going on in my head. for one thing, they're trying to train me when they're overwhelmed with things to do already. so things are very chaotic. i assume i'll be terminated if i'm not perfect. so i come in a few minutes early and wash and sterilize a hundred test tubes---just doing something extra to help them out---then i'm afraid i'm sucking up. but i'm not. i'm struggling to hold on to my position. and it doesn't make any sense, because even with me, they're short-staffed...and unless i am totally incompetent and irresponsible, they will keep me on AND appreciate my presence.
i know it's totally unreasonable for me to think this way, but i spend a lot of my time expecting someone to hand me a pink slip. the fact of it is i've watched my parental unit get thrown out on her ass from every job she's taken in the past few years. what else am i supposed to go by? why should i think i'll be any different, since we two are so alike?
and then, all of this stresses me out, and the stress makes my knee act up, and that causes more stress, which results in more pain and stiffness, there is no end to this sentence, blah blah blah
it's easy enough to say "take a deep breath and relax"
i think i'm beyond that stage, personally. misery is not convenient on the job, i must say. it needs to go.
but i think i've figured out what's causing this. i just started a new job, which is extremely stressful, but that's not all. i'm afraid i'll screw something up at work and they will fire me. there is a very strong paranoia force going on in my head. for one thing, they're trying to train me when they're overwhelmed with things to do already. so things are very chaotic. i assume i'll be terminated if i'm not perfect. so i come in a few minutes early and wash and sterilize a hundred test tubes---just doing something extra to help them out---then i'm afraid i'm sucking up. but i'm not. i'm struggling to hold on to my position. and it doesn't make any sense, because even with me, they're short-staffed...and unless i am totally incompetent and irresponsible, they will keep me on AND appreciate my presence.
i know it's totally unreasonable for me to think this way, but i spend a lot of my time expecting someone to hand me a pink slip. the fact of it is i've watched my parental unit get thrown out on her ass from every job she's taken in the past few years. what else am i supposed to go by? why should i think i'll be any different, since we two are so alike?
and then, all of this stresses me out, and the stress makes my knee act up, and that causes more stress, which results in more pain and stiffness, there is no end to this sentence, blah blah blah
it's easy enough to say "take a deep breath and relax"
i think i'm beyond that stage, personally. misery is not convenient on the job, i must say. it needs to go.
