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any workday that starts with your coworkers talking about war is bound to have a negative vibe attached to it! somehow my twisted little brain took over my mouth around 9am and i said aloud to no one in particular, "i hope Saddamm Hussain assassinates George W. Bush." naturally there were people around me at the time who answered "EXCUSE ME?!?" i had to admit my own statement wasn't really accurately portraying my thoughts. all joking aside...what i really want to see is George W. and Saddamm locked in a concrete cell together, beating each other to death with salad forks. "and justice for all." the general consensus at my job is that Bush is being great about this whole thing and we should just blow up the entire country of Iraq. fuck the innocents, we gave them time to get out of the country. anyone who hasn't left by now deserves what they get, right?
yeah, you can find me in the women's rest room vomiting up my clam chowder as i bang my head repeatedly against the metal flusher. fucking conservative metrowest area...
but since i don't care about current world news, i shall continue to use this precious space to talk about myself.
yesterday i saw an allergist in Waltham. of course i got lost and it took me 90 minutes to find the place. after i had a nervous breakdown and pulled myself together enough to find a payphone, they were still willing to see me. even though i was an hour late. the doctor believes i'm allergic to bleach (shocking, no?) and wrote me a note saying i should stay away from it. he asked me, "are there any other labs you could work in (at genzyme) where bleach isn't used?" i told him i signed a contract to work in that room for a year before moving on, and that to my knowledge they won't let me get around that. "is it possible that the stress i endure when i'm having a bleach reaction can make the symptoms worse?" i asked. he replied, "definitely. it's a vicious cycle." i wish i'd had a witness or a tape recorder when he said that. i doubt i'll get my way (which is to get the FUCK out of extractions and never look back)...but i feel vindicated. also, bleach is a fume allergy, not a particulate substance that can be kept out with a normal surgical mask. nothing short of a military-style respirator would help with that. they gave me a mask anyway, which in my current state of mind feels (not so) vaguely like an insult.
one rookie who's been in my lab since about december has tried "educating" me several times about various technical tasks, explaining how they work and whatnot. i want to say "I've been signed off on that in the past, i can do it in my sleep, therefore an explanation from you is not neccessary. THANKYOU MUCHLY FOR SHUTTING UP!!" ahh, these little humiliations become biggie-sized when they roll around in your brain until you go to sleep that night.
i was also appalled to note that the newest employee, who's been here less than two weeks, has already started pouring off and using the robot (technical tasks i didn't get to do for a month and have been banned from doing since i got back from my medical leave). how do i feel about this? despondent. actively angry. hurt. worthless. wanting to throw things across the room and then start crying. last week i trained him on lab support/upkeep tasks that i do all the time. if he gets in before me, he simply does everything that i'm scheduled to do. he commented yesterday "oh i'm not stealing your work am i?" no, of course not. glad to see how very unneccessary i am.
i didn’t take my pill last night like i was supposed to. i felt differently today. the things that usually annoy me and bore me, and cause me to roll my eyes, i didn’t notice. i didn’t notice how long the drive home is, i was rolling along through my own little depressive dreamland. i was thinking about how watching other people taking over your tasks at work that you once loved is much like watching the man you love kiss your best friend. it cuts, but at least it’s a change from the everyday unsatisfactory lull.
sometimes i think i genuinely miss the soreness. at least when i feel it, i remember who i am.
i...want to kill myself. i really do. more accurately, i want to kill not myself, but this life i've come to live. i want to kill my life. but killing your life is much more complicated than killing yourself..and i don't have a clue where to start, dammit.
yeah, you can find me in the women's rest room vomiting up my clam chowder as i bang my head repeatedly against the metal flusher. fucking conservative metrowest area...
but since i don't care about current world news, i shall continue to use this precious space to talk about myself.
yesterday i saw an allergist in Waltham. of course i got lost and it took me 90 minutes to find the place. after i had a nervous breakdown and pulled myself together enough to find a payphone, they were still willing to see me. even though i was an hour late. the doctor believes i'm allergic to bleach (shocking, no?) and wrote me a note saying i should stay away from it. he asked me, "are there any other labs you could work in (at genzyme) where bleach isn't used?" i told him i signed a contract to work in that room for a year before moving on, and that to my knowledge they won't let me get around that. "is it possible that the stress i endure when i'm having a bleach reaction can make the symptoms worse?" i asked. he replied, "definitely. it's a vicious cycle." i wish i'd had a witness or a tape recorder when he said that. i doubt i'll get my way (which is to get the FUCK out of extractions and never look back)...but i feel vindicated. also, bleach is a fume allergy, not a particulate substance that can be kept out with a normal surgical mask. nothing short of a military-style respirator would help with that. they gave me a mask anyway, which in my current state of mind feels (not so) vaguely like an insult.
one rookie who's been in my lab since about december has tried "educating" me several times about various technical tasks, explaining how they work and whatnot. i want to say "I've been signed off on that in the past, i can do it in my sleep, therefore an explanation from you is not neccessary. THANKYOU MUCHLY FOR SHUTTING UP!!" ahh, these little humiliations become biggie-sized when they roll around in your brain until you go to sleep that night.
i was also appalled to note that the newest employee, who's been here less than two weeks, has already started pouring off and using the robot (technical tasks i didn't get to do for a month and have been banned from doing since i got back from my medical leave). how do i feel about this? despondent. actively angry. hurt. worthless. wanting to throw things across the room and then start crying. last week i trained him on lab support/upkeep tasks that i do all the time. if he gets in before me, he simply does everything that i'm scheduled to do. he commented yesterday "oh i'm not stealing your work am i?" no, of course not. glad to see how very unneccessary i am.
i didn’t take my pill last night like i was supposed to. i felt differently today. the things that usually annoy me and bore me, and cause me to roll my eyes, i didn’t notice. i didn’t notice how long the drive home is, i was rolling along through my own little depressive dreamland. i was thinking about how watching other people taking over your tasks at work that you once loved is much like watching the man you love kiss your best friend. it cuts, but at least it’s a change from the everyday unsatisfactory lull.
sometimes i think i genuinely miss the soreness. at least when i feel it, i remember who i am.
i...want to kill myself. i really do. more accurately, i want to kill not myself, but this life i've come to live. i want to kill my life. but killing your life is much more complicated than killing yourself..and i don't have a clue where to start, dammit.
