(no subject)

goals for this weekend...buy a new phone, a cordless. and look into getting a cell phone with a 413 area code so my mother and western mass cronies can call me inexpensively. this way i'll have two phone numbers, one in 508 and one in 413.it'll be smashing.

last night i tried to sketch, but my mind was blank of ideas. i felt useless, like i'd never draw again. fortunately, while i was doing morning tasks a compositional idea came to me and i sketched it during my coffee break. so i can start developing it some more later today.

i miss people. i feel friendless these days and it bothers me.

the lame name is game for the tame

listen to amnesiac, and if there is one depressed cell in your body you will be considering suicide by the end of the record, but it'll be a satisfied feeling, not that abyss you might expect.

back on topic...
umm, they're naming the puppy Leelee.

Leelee.

tackytackytacktacktack!!!

yes. Leelee is the lame new name for the unbelievably un-lame dog. i love this dog. i want to BE her. she is my new role model. pictures are coming soon. when there is better light.

i told the 13 year old that Leelee looks like one of those puppy chow commercial dogs and she giggled and smiled. i take this to mean she doesn't despise me or want me dead. not that i've done anything to her, but i've heard her go on and on so much about punk freaks and goth freaks in her school and how she looks down on them and drips sarcastic snot over them that i don't think i'd even have her in my car....she might have to listen to Depeche Mode or the Sex Pistols or some really goth shit like RASPUTINAAAA....*gasp* "MOMMY, the housemate's a freeeeeek, she scaaaares me!!" "die, you stereotypical athlete popular kids," i think to myself silently, suddenly wanting to lock the door to my room during the day. i know this is unfair, but i'm starting to learn that fair gets me nowhere anyhow.

one of my friends in high school had to be escorted out and picked up immediately after classes every day because some other kids were making death threats against his gothic flamer ass. speaking of which, i really miss Jeremy. my best friend at simons rock was a buddhist and walked to town in the snow in bare feet during the winter. this is the crowd i come from, none of my close friends really pass for normal, and popular teenagers make me really fucking nervous. (even though i'm 22 and supposedly above all that...i'm kidding myself really...i'm not above anything at all)

tomorrow i'm driving to the berkshires to spend labor day weekend with the family.

i want to get out of this state and leave the emptiness behind, but i know it will just follow me if i go. i'm always trapped somewhere, i don't have the freedom to go abroad and explore europe or other parts of the states. it takes money for that. i just want to dismantle my whole life here and never see another familiar face. i want to change my identity and shrink my heart down to a livable size because it's too big and it makes me pathetic.
i want everything you have and more. but not exclusively, i just want you to share.