i am sick of myself!

i am sick of being so goddamn mental.
i miss ONE PILL! ONE PILL! last night, and suddenly, i am feeling sad and pissed off all day, and wanting to crawl in a hole or die or do anything to get away from the miserable feeling. and not wanting to lift a single finger to do anything at work. something must GIVE, i must NOT feel like this ANYMORE. i seem to be a complete victim of my brain chemicals now, and i always thought of myself as more than that. i can't decide if it's the job, or the new environment, or everyone fucking dying, but i can't even deal with everyday life anymore, and nothing seems to help short of ingesting fake serotonin. and the change is INSTANT. i feel NORMAL about 12 hours after taking ONE PILL...likewise, if i miss a pill, i'm fucked-up again in less than a day.

why can't i just fucking be normal and strong, and not have to react this way to crises in my life??? why do i have to be a mental case?

i feel like i want to check into a hospital. but that would be a disaster. so i'll just live on the edge, pretending i'm not as sick as i really am, and take my pills and be a serotonin robot.

i don't even feel like bothering anymore. i don't even want to be here.