cellomusette | (no subject)

as soon as i start getting paid, i am out of this house. i am getting an apartment by myself. no roommates for me.

today was a nightmare day for me. my mom is on the rampage. this morning we had a screaming fight because she has a "sensitivity" to loud music and her car stereo doesn't work well, i.e. the volume doesn't turn down easily. mostly, she screamed at me and told me i was an evil, condescending bitch. apparently i am cruel and say inflammatory things to her to egg her on. this is partly true. she also told me that i'm just like my father's mother, who was a cold, mean castrating woman and enjoyed spreading negative feelings around like peanut butter. this is also true. about a minute after the screaming starts, i quiet myself down and start saying cutting, nasty things in a low voice and watch her spin even more wildly out of control. i get a certain satisfaction out of this. mostly it's an overkill defense mechanism.
or maybe i'm really evil.
mom's GF thinks i'm an abusive daughter, that i say abusive things.
most of the time i recover quickly from the fights i have with mother, but it's been seven hours now and i still feel sick to my stomach when she's in the room with me. i feel scarred. i think my mother hates me. i can't live in this house any more. and i can't live with anyone else, either, because eventually they'll suffer too. i've never had a roommate be happy with me. no one should ever be forced to share a space with me.

wow, for someone who has so much to be thankful for, i really feel like i want to crawl in a hole. i have no idea where to go right now. where are evil mean people supposed to go?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

i wouldn't mind sharing an apartment with you, so long as i had my own bedroom. i think i'd always need my own bedroom. i need to have my cave to hide in. but you don't sound evil. i can actually understand you very well even though i can't relate personally. there must be some sort of visceral satisfaction in fighting back, inflicting pain on people when they inflict pain on you. there's prolly a primitive human drive for it, prolly that basic centre in the back of your brain, the medulla or something? not the hypothalamus but the thing connected to it i think. the pleasure centres are prolly gratified in some way. the pleasure centres involved in survival instincts.

and i'm not sure what the point of all that rambling was. it prolly makes no sense. but anyways. you don't seem at all evil to me, nor do you seem like someone who would make me feel miserable if i lived with you.

so long as i have my own bedroom. cause orgasms are essential to my mental health, and my vibrator makes orgasms more convenient, and when someone else is in my room i'm reluctant to use my vibrator.

uhuh.

grape jello is good.

hey nerdette. i'm sorry stuff is sucky right now.
i know it'll get better. and i'm positive that you'd
be a lot happier living away from your mom. i
think it's too much for us to get all that freedom
at school and then go back to a mom situation.
it is nice to visit sometimes, but not live..ya know?

anyway sorry that i left aim my computer crashed
and then i had to go pick kate up from work. i do
hope we get to talk sometime soon and catch up.
*hugs*